Being Normal & Being Vulnerable

Normal.

That’s really all any of us wants.

Vulnerability?

I think we can all agree that’s not really what anyone wants.

I’m sitting here struggling because I know this topic is on my heart. I know that this is something that I can speak to. And yet, I’m staring at the computer screen mustering up enough courage to be vulnerable. So much irony.

I tend to go back and forth with vulnerability. I know it is a good thing for the sake of growing in my relationships with others, most importantly my relationship with Christ. But vulnerability is taxing in that it demands us to measure our emotions and leads us to fight through struggles with honesty.

No one likes vulnerability because no one likes to dwell on what we lack as individuals. We feel that revealing our true selves will lead us to the realization that we are alone and that we are not living up to the standards that we want for ourselves, or that we want others to see. Ultimately we fear not being enough.

Below the surface, there is obviously a deeper issue with vulnerability, and that is insecurity.

What I have come to realize in my struggles is that all I want is to be normal. I want to be at normal standards, blend in with everyone else’s idea of normal and where I should be in life, and all in all, I want to not be the one that struggles with insecurity.

My insecurity is the deepest part of me that makes me feel anything but normal. While that insecurity may show itself in different ways, I have to believe that I am not alone in feeling insecure. I have to believe that other people are desperately trying to hide their insecurity, just like me.

I asked some of the people closest to me to describe what they see in me, and hearing these answers lead me to realize that there is a distinct difference in “what other people see” and in “what I feel.”

Friends of mine said that I am:

Passionate, driven, self-aware, content and worshipful.

So the good news? At least I’m fooling somebody. On the real though, I am thankful to have friends that are willing to be honest and share. I think it’s important to take a step back though and compare that with how I see myself:

Insecure, alone, weak, crazy and a little inadequate.

Clearly there are a few things happening here. While I fully believe that I am everything that my friends think/say that I am… I also believe that there is some truth to what I think of myself.

That’s the problem.

Insecurity says, “I am not enough,” “I don’t measure up” and “my life doesn’t look like what it should.” Insecurity, if I’m honest, rules my thought process most days.

Feeling ‘alone' can go two different ways. It can cause me to believe that I am the only one that struggles and that I am the only one in the world that feels this way, which is a lie that the enemy wants us to receive. Or it can cause me to deal with the reality that Christ is all I have and that He is enough. The truth in this is that when I am alone, I dwell with Christ. But when I dwell with insecurity, there is a whole world of emotions tugging at me, keeping me from feeling the Lord’s presence. It is a very real tension that I struggle with daily.

Weak. I honestly feel weak writing this article. I feel like it isn’t attractive to share one’s issues in a public forum. Yet the Bible says that God’s power is made perfect in weakness. My prayer is that someone can relate and feel encouraged to share their own struggles.

I know I am not alone in feeling 'crazy'…Surely we all feel crazy at some point, right?

Feeling inadequate fluctuates almost daily for me. I go through days where I am completely confident in what I’m doing, and then there are days I think that I have no clue what I’m doing or how I am going to get through even the smallest things.

So what is the solution?

The solution is Jesus. Knowing who I am in Christ removes all insecurity and gives me strength to stand in Him. Knowing who I am in Christ shows me that I am not alone. I am not weak. Even if I’m crazy, I’m loved, and in whatever way I am inadequate, Christ is always sufficient in grace.

If we all were honest, maybe we would realize that what we see as normal isn’t always the case when we’re vulnerable. Yet, if we were open to being vulnerable, maybe then we would realize that we really are normal after all.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known” - Brene Brown

Disclaimer: This article was originally published on theodysseyonline.com but is also found here on my personal blog.